Observations at a wedding

Old relationships are obsolete
One of the best men used to be rivals with the groom; competing for everything in their lives - grades, girlfriends, who was fittest, tallest, most manly...everything.

Girls that I used to be close with like sisters sat three tables away; they never came to my table to talk to me instead I went to theirs and made uncomfortable conversation. We are never going to be the friends that we were. I had hopes.

The groom's ex-girlfriend embraced me as if we were old friends (old, but not close) and sat with me throughout the ceremony. When I asked her if she was ok being there; a witness among many to her exes' betrothal - she answered, "I'm nervous." When she left (after taking a photograph with the bride and groom), there were tears in her eyes. No matter what anyone says or how great the friendship is, old lovers should never be invited to one's wedding - it's just cruel.

Questions that don't seem to go away
Trying to escape the question "So, are you married?" is like trying to escape being in the wedding video - near impossible because the question like the guy carrying the video cam emerges suddenly, without any notice and before you know it, there's a bright light blinding you; a response expected.

Following that is the question "Why?" If I knew why (absolutely), would I be on the answering end of that query?

Photo-frenzy
It is only at weddings that I've ever been photographed numerous times. There will either be one camera-person with many cameras or many camera people. Hence, I never bring my own camera to these things anymore. It's like walking on the red carpet with people shouting at you for "one more! one more!" Not that I've walked the red carpet though...

Food Intro
I always find this part of the ceremony fascinating - this time the waiters walked into the room in two columns at the head of which were waiters holding fiery skewers which looked like marshmallows on fire. If only. And they were accompanied by the music of Yanni (it was either Yanni or Kitaro).

...can't wait to see what the dinner will be like in 2 weeks.

Observations: Bangkok

A huge, yummy serving of Khao Neow Mamuang (mango and stick rice) costs only 400 baht (RM4).

The name of your taxi driver inadvertently reflects his driving style. My taxi driver's name was Top. And so was the speed at which he drove.

The complimentary mineral water provided by the hotel comes in glass bottles.

This is year 2552 according to the Buddhist calendar - widely used in Thailand.

Helmet-wearing motorcyclists are an endangered species.

Having a candle-lit dinner by the seaside with the sounds of waves crashing in the background as the band plays on is an entirely possible scenario when you're in Pattaya.

Arriving at the airport 2 hours before one's flight is a sure way of lightening one's wallet especially when faced with duty free shopping.

Tom yam really does taste better in Thailand!

Destination: Bangkok

I'm sitting at the Palms Grill and Bar in KLIA an hour before my flight to Bangkok, contemplating my minestrone soup which was only 10 minutes before an incorrect order of mushroom soup.

I should be thinking about the work I've got waiting for me tomorrow. Instead my mind is torn between the investment I made yesterday for the future of my love life (did I really make the right choice? which is a moot point now because I've already paid...) and the event that I'll be attending this coming Sunday (what am I going to wear? I hope there's too many people that He won't see me!).

And in between, I'm thinking of all the projects I was supposed to finish last week and also hoping that I won't come down with any H1N1 symptoms...

...Because Manila is next.

Of preparing to hold down the fort...

When he asked, I said that the only way I can describe how I would act (or react) should I bump into Him is - courteous. I was telling the truth. I hope. I really wasn't trying to spend too much time planning my action/ inaction/ reaction.

But as the day gets closer and in the near wee hours of the morning, I'm not ashamed to say that there could be a small, tiny, minuscule possibility that however hard I try that I may~

turn around and walk away if I see Him. Then look for the nearest bathroom stall to hide in. After I've thrown up my dinner.

or decide to run away and spend the night in my car. In the parking lot. Before driving around aimlessly.

or pretend I'm a sharp, pointy projectile and launch myself at Him, kicking and shrieking. Saying all the things I wished I'd said.

or drink a tonne of free wine to numb any impending emotional turbulence. And just mellow out. And hopefully forget the entire night.

or fight off tears as I simultaneously present a brave, unruffled front to all. And paste on a fake smile.

Whoa...things look like it could turn out really grim and I really don't want anymore casualties. I'd best ensure that I've got all my self-defenses in place then.

The Project mini-update and other news

The Project is moving forward slowly but surely. I've secured an appointment next weekend. I'm trying not to overthink it because I know that if I do, I'd end up listening to the small voice in my head that's saying `You're exposing yourself! Hide! Hide!'

Other news - my sister and her entire family are back for good (for now). It's going to get some getting used to now that she's going to be around most of the time as opposed to being on the other side of the world.

Introducing: The Project

When I was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, devising and committing to The Project - I knew that there'd be a high probability that I would have to do things on a daily basis that would scare me. The I'm-relinquishing-control-of-this-part-of-my-life-I'd-work-hard-to-control kind of scary. I shivered as I anticipated the type of scary things I'd have to do but I kept reminding myself `Eye on the prize! Eye on the prize!'

Today, because of The Project I've begun the first step of putting myself out there. I signed up. Eek!!!

A long and winding road...

I know exactly how I got here.

It was when I decided to quit but my boss asked me to stay a little while longer.

Then the company started a `re-invention' program. And I decided to give the job a second chance.

Then, I went for a ride with my mum in which she decided to tell me about both her and dad's concerns.

Then I decided I couldn't let this continue anymore and decided to launch The Project.

I decided to bring in reinforcements - I emailed LK for advice.

In her reply, she decided to tell me that Alf was getting married.

Remembering what I learnt from the `re-invention' program, I decided to email Alf to congratulate him.

To my surprise, he decided to email back and to invite me to his wedding.

At first, I decided I didn't want to go but because of The Project, I decide to attend the wedding.

Which is where I'll probably meet Him for the first time in 6 years at the almost 6 years (less 5 days) day since the break-up.

See, I know how exactly I got here. Now, I just need to understand why.